


You're Happy Without Me

by phansparent (lestershoweller)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, Alternate Timeline, Angst, Breakup, M/M, Sad, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-02 18:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5258513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lestershoweller/pseuds/phansparent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Songfic based on Jealous by Labrinth. I had the lyrics placed in the text, but that violates ao3's rules, so you should listen to the song while reading!</p>
<p>Alternate timeline where in 2012, Dan wants to pursue the radio show at the BBC, but Phil doesn't. When Dan left, Phil always thought he'd come back. But he never did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Happy Without Me

It was only on the nights that the rain dripped down off the balcony of the flat above that Phil allowed himself to think about Dan. It had been on nights like this one that Phil would find Dan on the balcony leaning back over the railing to let the raindrops smack him on the face. Phil would bring him a cup of tea and a sweatshirt, wrapping him in it and leading him back under the safety of the roof.

“It reminds me I’m alive,” Dan would say, and he’d refuse to go inside for hours, listening to the pattering sound with Phil’s arms wrapped around his shoulders. 

Phil wondered if Dan still wandered out into the rain and let it fall on his skin. Sometimes he wished he was the rain.

He wondered who brought Dan tea and wrapped him up to protect him from the chilly wind when the bad times came. But maybe the answer was that there weren’t bad times anymore.

They’d only just signed their lease when Dan had decided to drop out of uni. For the months that followed, Phil was more caretaker than boyfriend, but he hadn’t minded. There had still been the early morning cuddles and stolen kisses in alleyways on their way home from Tesco when no one was looking. Loving Dan had always been worth it even when he was self-destructive, when he stayed up all night pacing or lying on the floor, face buried in the carpet.

The Christmas Day Radio Show invitation had been a surprise to both of them. They had felt like idiots drawing cats on each other’s faces on the BBC website, but their subscribers had crashed the website so excited over it, and the BBC saw an amazing opportunity. They thought the radio show would be a good way to please their subscribers, get more YouTube exposure, and earn a little money. After that, it felt like everything changed. It was the first step on Dan’s path to leaving. Phil just never thought he’d leave for good. 

Phil wanted the radio show to be a one-time thing, but Dan was obsessed with the success. At first, Phil played along because it’d been so long since he’d seen dimples appear on Dan’s cheeks. But once Phil realized that Dan wanted to appeal to the BBC to make the radio show a full time thing, he spoke up.

“Dan, I really don’t think this radio idea is my thing. It was fun once, but a radio show every week would be so overwhelming for me. I barely slept in the days leading up to the Christmas Show. I like being on YouTube where I can film myself and edit. Being live is too much for me.”

“It’s just because you’re not used to a live audience. You’d get used to it,” Dan argued.

“I don’t think so, Dan. You do remember the story of when I threw up during our class performance of Hamlet.”

“Think of how much money we’d make! We’ll never make that much money doing YouTube. And it’s not like I can do a Dan and Phil Show without Phil!” 

“What even makes you sure the BBC would want to give us a full time show?”

Dan didn’t talk to him for the rest of the night. 

He’d been right though. After Dan had left, it was hard for Phil to make rent on one salary from YouTube. He’d had to take up take up using his Master’s in Video Postproduction and doing some editing for other YouTubers on the side, while the last Phil had checked, Dan was earning at least 2 million a year.

Phil would do anything to be getting the cold shoulder from a Dan sleeping in another room again. At least he’d be able to crawl in next to him and put his lips in the crease between Dan’s neck and shoulder, and whisper, “I’m sorry.” Phil wondered who would slide into bed next to Dan tonight.

Phil tried to repair things between them, but anything they did that used to feel romantic started to feel like a routine. When their lips touched each other, it was cold and forced. They started using the entirety of the bed, whereas they used to squeeze next to each other in the middle. It used to be a struggle to not grab each other’s hands in public, but in the rare times they did venture outside together, there was always enough room for another person to pass through between them. 

“You just don’t understand what it’s like. I don't have a university degree like you. I don’t have anything to fall back on if YouTube doesn’t work out. I need to take every possible opportunity,” Dan said, trying to convince Phil again to jump on the radio show idea.

“It’s not my fault you dropped out of university.”

Dan moved into the other bedroom officially that night. Phil didn’t even know why he said it. He’d never known himself to say downright cruel things, but he was mad. He was mad that he spent months picking up the pieces of Dan’s life, consoling him during every minor drop in mood. He made sure Dan ate on the days he locked himself in his room all day, and he talked through video ideas with himfor hours when he didn't want to upload anything. He’d loved Dan through all of that, and Dan pulled his love away. He was probably giving it to someone else now.

Maybe Phil should have told him that they could make it through together without a radio show, that he’d support both of them if he had to. But Dan probably wouldn’t have wanted that anyway. Phil understood that. Dan wanted to make it on his own. He wanted to be successful, and he didn’t want to worry every day that he’d fucked up his entire life by dropping out of university. Having been an actor all of his childhood, Dan loved the idea of being in front of a live audience, even if it was through the TV and radio, not onstage. Phil couldn’t deny that Dan was fantastic at engaging a live audience. Most of the ideas for the radio show were Dan’s, and he did most of the talking. Witty comments came so easily to Dan in the moment, but being live made Phil feel like his tongue was too swollen to spit out normal words. Dan deserved to have a radio show, and part of Phil had hated himself for restricting Dan’s dreams.

One morning, Dan slid into Phil’s bed for the first time in weeks. He wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist, and Phil felt warm tears on his shoulders. Neither of them said anything, just laid like that for over an hour, until Dan choked out, “I’m going to move to London, and see if the BBC will give me work.”

He didn’t ask Phil to come with him. That morning in bed was the mourning of the end of the relationship, and both of them knew it. Dan didn’t want Phil to come.

“I hope it works out,” Phil managed to spit out in faux-enthusiasm.

“Thank you."

He hadn’t meant it though. He wanted to scream at Dan and tell him he was heartless for leaving him behind on a fruitless dream of making it big. He wanted to tell Dan how he’d be back begging for Phil’s forgiveness one day after nights out in the rain with no one to bring him tea or keep him warm. That’s what Phil believed too. It was terrible, but he was certain that Dan would never be able to survive without him. That’s the only reason Phil let him go without a fight because he was certain he’d be back asking for Phil to pick up the pieces again.

Instead Dan was doing it all. Phil could barely go to his Tumblr account anymore because invariably he’d see Dan’s smiling face. He was still making videos, amazing videos at that. He’d recently hit 5 million subscribers and wasn’t showing any signs of cooling down. Phil was still hovering somewhere between 1 million and 2 million, and he knew he was losing his spark.

Plus, Dan had the radio show, and he’d been invited to interview a bunch of celebrities. He’d even done a tour around the UK while on a short break from the radio, inviting other YouTubers to perform with him in front of tons of fans. A video of Dan walking out of a stage door on the day of the final show to a crowd of screaming fans had popped up on Phil’s dash and made him feel like crying. The glint in Dan’s eyes, and the wide, authentic smile that was spread across his face as he waved to everyone around him could not be faked. Dan was positively vibrant. 

He couldn’t believe how wrong he’d been about Dan needing him.

It was worst when these rainy nights were Sundays because Phil could turn on video footage of the radio show. He could see Dan’s toothy smile and hear the cheerful undertone of Dan’s voice, a tone that had vanished in the last six months of their relationship. This life suited Dan. There was a glow in his cheeks that only Phil used to be able to bring to Dan’s face. Meanwhile Phil was sitting on his sofa drinking wine and letting tears fall down his cheeks faster than the rain fell down outside.

He had tried to act like the splitting up of Dan and Phil was no big deal, at least to his subscribers. He wondered if they could see beyond that fake smile he’d perfected at this point.

Why did Dan have to look so happy? The pain in Phil’s chest as he looked at Dan’s smile filled him with guilt. He wanted Dan to be happy, deep down he truly did. But there was a part of him that _hated_ that he could be happy without him.

“Okay, it’s time for the last request of the night. The phone number should be below me, unless you’re listening to the radio, then sorry,” Dan said.

Phil knew he’d regret it in the morning, but he picked up his phone. He gulped down the last bit of sweet liquid, leaving a burn at the back of his throat. His head was fuzzy as he listened to the phone ring.

“Hello! You’re on the request show with Dan Howell. What’s your request?”

“Come home.”

“Excuse me?” Dan asked with a nervous giggle.

“I just kept thinking about how I did so much for you, and that you needed me, and I never considered the fact that I needed you too. I still need you.”

The call cut out, replaced by the sound of the dial tone.

All of the color had run out of Dan’s face, but he quickly tried to recovered. “Heh, looks like someone misdialed trying to find their ex-girlfriend or something.”

“Um, so we don’t have time for another caller, so I’ll just pick something to play. Sorry! I’ll be back next Sunday at the same time.”

OneRepublic’s “Apologize” faded in, and Phil slammed his computer shut.

Tears poured down his cheeks, realizing that the biggest mistake of his life was the best decision of Dan’s. 


End file.
